Good Greif

A couple years back my great-grandmother passed away. Attending her funeral was revelatory for me: Though I have been to funerals before, and even officiated a few, this was the first time I have lost someone close to me; the first time it was my friends and family who were sitting in the first row at the church. This experience was like a rite of passage for me, but I realise that many people experience this at a much younger age. Just last year we had to say goodbye to a young lady who I remember working with, a loss with which friends are still dealing.

Since this blog is for creating better parent-youth understanding, I thought it prudent to give some thoughts for parents to help their teen deal with loss and grieving. The following is a synopsis of thoughts within the book by Jim Watkins, Death and Beyond from Tyndale publishers.

Firstly, because death is inevitable for all of us, we should prepare our children for the event of a loved ones passing when able. Of course, with a disease or prolonged illness, it is easier to anticipate, but even through media, we are able to acquaint our children with the topic. Just watching the evening news can be good exposure: car accidents, celebrity death, international war casualties, etc.

Secondly, telling them about death when it happens is important for a child’s closure and understanding. Ease into the announcement, but fight the urge to ‘soften the blow’ by misleading them. You need not use terms or euphemisms they will only misunderstand or need to unlearn later in life, (how many well meaning parents have told a child that grandma has ‘fallen asleep’ only to have Susie fear going to bed anymore herself.)

Perhaps very important is to be sure we listen to what they are feeling and thinking. Accept their legitimate concerns and emotions rather than ignoring or judging them. The questions they ask may not need answers, they simply want to be heard and understood. Listening means we do not fix the trouble either – when a direct question is asked, a direct and honest answer is suffice, but let them ask it.

Grieving is an important part for all of us who have lost someone. Everyone grieves differently. We need to let them have time, space, and not feel ashamed about how they are dealing with it. After speaking with a local undertaker one morning, he mentioned how important it is to respect the differences in each teen; they are at a point where they feel they are mature enough to fully handle it and may bottle-up. We need to keep checking in with them to see how they are doing and offer that listening ear when they are ready to talk. Sometimes, they will not want to talk to Mum or Dad, but a close friend or other trusted adult may be the one in whom they confide. Make these people available for your teen, and be sure to give the person sufficient warning and adequate preparation. Children look to adults for how they are reacting to things too, so make sure you too practise ‘good grief’.

Lastly, simply being there will do wonders. Not offering answers and clichés, but spending time with them as long as it takes – and it can take years sometimes – so they know they are normal and that you care. Do something together, go out for dinner, whatever they would enjoy and discuss your thoughts and feelings as well, transparency from you may invite it from them.

This topic is much larger than this space will allow, but I would heartily recommend Watkins’ book as a resource when helping teens deal with such a heavy topic.